Be Prepared

Men take pride in a basic, bodily emission, which, because this is a family [column], I will refer to by its technical name, "making a tooter." This is a popular thing to do whenever males gather together. As a youth I was a Boy Scout, and while I know that scouting is a fine activity that has taught countless young men important leadership and character-building skills, the major activity in my particular troop was slicing the Muenster. We'd go on a camping trip, and for dinner we'd consume huge quantities of Campbell's brand Pork 'n' Mainly Beans, and by nightfall the hills were alive with the sound of tooting. Eventually the entire area would be blanketed by a giant mushroom cloud of Boy Scout gas that caused flocks of migrating geese to reverse course ("Turn back! We're spending the winter in Canada!").
-Dave Barry