Typhoid Mare-eesa

It seems that after reading blogs of other people who have been sick, I too have succumbed to an infernal, tortuous viral coup.

I do not suffer illness stoically. I am whiny and annoying. I want my mommy. Or someone who will give me equally selfless and abundant TLC. I want to be in bed with lots of blankets. I want movies playing that I can drift in and out of without missing anything. I want soup and tea brought to my bedside, and the empty dishes to magically disappear. I want a glass of room temperature water that never empties. I want to rise from bed only to take a steamy shower and change into a new pair of jammies. And I want a warm dog curled up close to me, happy to lounge with me, even as I hack and wheeze.

Ogden gets it...

Go hang yourself, you old M.D,!
You shall not sneer at me.
Pick up your hat and stethoscope,
Go wash your mouth with laundry soap;
I contemplate a joy exquisite
In not paying you for your visit.
I did not call you to be told
My malady is a common cold.

By pounding brow and swollen lip;
By fever's hot and scaly grip;
By those two red redundant eyes
That weep like woeful April skies;
By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff;
By handkerchief after handkerchief;
This cold you wave away as naught
Is the damnedest cold man ever caught!

Give ear, you scientific fossil!
Here is the genuine Cold Colossal;
The Cold of which researchers dream,
The Perfect Cold, the Cold Supreme.
This honored system humbly holds
The Super-cold to end all colds;
The Cold Crusading for Democracy;
The Führer of the Streptococcracy.

Bacilli swarm within my portals
Such as were ne'er conceived by mortals,
But bred by scientists wise and hoary
In some Olympic laboratory;
Bacteria as large as mice,
With feet of fire and heads of ice
Who never interrupt for slumber
Their stamping elephantine rumba.

A common cold, gadzooks, forsooth!
Ah, yes. And Lincoln was jostled by Booth;
Don Juan was a budding gallant,
And Shakespeare's plays show signs of talent;
The Arctic winter is fairly coolish,
And your diagnosis is fairly foolish.
Oh what a derision history holds
For the man who belittled the Cold of Colds!

You should probably go wash your hands now.
I hear there's something going around.

Faux Paux

I definitely suffer more from keeping silent than by speaking up, but every now and then, even I put my foot in my mouth. I have a co-worker, K, who is beyond manic. The thought crosses my mind at least twice a week to figure out a way to slip mood stabilizers into her system. And I generally have a pretty high tolerance for mania. (After all, I live with myself!)

K, in her crazy-hyper-angry state, mentioned that she wants to take a trip to Paris. But she doesn't really want to go to Paris. She just wants the money to go to Paris. Because she really wants to go somewhere else. She doesn't like Paris. Even though she's never been there. She doesn't want to go though. Because, I mean, she's not in love or anything.

Because I was curious (and OK, maybe also the tiniest bit of an instigator) I asked her, "where would you go, K?"

"Amsterdam."

Another colleague who was present, D, exchanged an amused glance with me.

"Why Amsterdam?" I ask.

"Well ..... you know ....", she responds, prompting us, presumably regarding the drug culture.

"Is it for the tulips, K? Do you like tulips?" D stirs the pot.

I jump on the bandwagon and list everything that comes to mind regarding the Netherlands -
"clogs!"
"windmills!"
"cheese!"
"dike----"
--- I caught myself too late.

I really didn't mean it in the slang sense.
(But I do think its funny.)

Blake has been to the Netherlands.

I Sang to a Homeless Guy

... because the voices told me to.
I thought about doing it because I'm cool like that, or because that's how I roll, but the white shirt needed to be ironed, and its so dreary outside that I decided against the black one.

I picked this up from Spinning Girl. She's a scorpio.

1) Your birth month:
January--I kicked
February--I loved
March--I smoked
April--I dry humped
May--I choked on
June--I murdered
July--I did the Macarena with
August--I had lunch with
September--I danced with
October--I sang to
November--I yelled at
December--I ran over

2) Your birth date:
1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a lunch-lady
6-------a gangster
7-------my cell phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbor
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19-------myself
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a permanent marker
30-------a llama
31-------a homeless guy

and 3) the color of shirt you are wearing:
White----------because I'm cool like that.
Black-----------because that's how I roll.
Pink------------because I'm NOT a homosexual.
Red------------because the voices told me to.
Blue-----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want.
Green---------because I hate myself.
Purple---------because I'm cool.
Gray----------because I was drunk.
Yellow --------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars.
Orange-------because I hate my family.
Brown--------because I was high.
Other-------because I'm a ninja.
None--------because I can't control myself.

4) Now, put the sentence together.

Blake, by the way, dry humped an iPod, I'm guessing because he's sexy and he does what he wants. But it could be because he's cool like that. He should be glad he wasn't born on six days earlier!

Anyone else need to confess something?

Explorative Expedition

I am off to Nepal.
The following e-mail exchange should explain it all.


From: CEO
Sent: Monday, November 06, 2006 1:59 PM
To: STAFF
Subject: Tennis

I am trying to develop a wellness program for the company. We have contracted with the unit at Affiliate Company that provides services in this area and will make an announcement on that in the near future. We are also trying to get some additional programs in place to promote exercise and physical fitness.

Our landlord, H&S, owns the tennis club that is located to the rear of the building. One of the ideas we have had is to try to see if we can get a set number of memberships at the club that could be used by Company employees. Before we make the request and before we try to push, I wanted to see what, if any, the level of interest would be. If interested, please send me an e-mail.

We are also going to try to get a group discount to Super Awesome 24h Gym With Locations Near Marisa’s Home and Office and Also Has a Swimming Pool.

I can't promise that we will be successful in these, but if we have buying power as a group it provides some leverage and is worth a try.

I would be open to other ideas as well.

Thanks,
CEO


From: Marisa
Sent: Monday, November 06, 2006 2:05 PM
To: CEO
Subject: RE: Tennis

I would absolutely love to get in on a group discount to Super Awesome 24h Gym With Locations Near Marisa’s Home and Office and Also Has a Swimming Pool.
The tennis ... not so much ... That fluorescent yellow ball just isn't big enough to withstand my frustrations!

Thank you!


((To tell the truth, I’m really not terribly well coordinated, and so have never been a big fan of sports in which small projectiles are launched in the direction of my body with great speed. But I don’t make a habit of sharing random weaknesses with my superiors. That honor is yours, dear blog-lings.))


From: CEO
Sent: Monday, November 06, 2006 2:07 PM
To: Marisa
Subject: RE: Tennis

We need to send you to a mountaintop in Nepal and let you get in touch with your inner spirit.


From: Marisa
Sent: Monday, November 06, 2006 2:25 PM
To: CEO
Subject: RE: Tennis

I’m game! Sadly, I have had trouble obtaining funding for the "finding myself" experiment. Apparently, getting in touch with your inner spirit doesn't pay very well. I don’t remember being advised of this in college.


From: CEO
Sent: Monday, November 06, 2006 2:25 PM
To: Marisa
Subject: RE: Tennis

If you are enough in touch you don't need money!


From: Marisa
Sent: Monday, November 06, 2006 2:26 PM
To: CEO
Subject: RE: Tennis

I tried to pay my loans using dreams and aspirations, but the payments were returned NSF.


From: CEO
Sent: Monday, November 06, 2006 2:27 PM
To: Marisa
Subject: RE: Tennis

If you go to a mountaintop in Nepal the bill collectors can't find you.


From: Marisa
Sent: Monday, November 06, 2006 2:28 PM
To: CEO
Subject: RE: Tennis

Hmm...
Good point.
I see I have much to learn.


From: CEO
Sent: Monday, November 06, 2006 2:30 PM
To: Marisa
Subject: RE: Tennis

yes, grasshopper


For those of you keeping track at home, Blake used to be a member of Super Awesome 24h Gym With Locations Near Marisa’s Home and Office and Also Has a Swimming Pool. But he cancelled his membership when he came out of retirement.