As I reached the end of my youth, I realized that I have not only the power to shape myself into the woman I want to become, but also the responsibility.
At this time, I prayed to be loving. I don’t now remember why this, among all other qualities, was what I desired; but it was. It was a quality that I already saw in myself, and I wanted to own it more wholly. So I prayed to become more loving.
Almost overnight, every soul with whom I had contact irritated me to the core. I came to learn that to be a loving person, I had to show love to people with whom I least felt like interacting.
On the cusp of my adulthood, I began to pray for strength.
I saw this quality, and I desired it.
I don’t see myself as a strong woman. Others see me so sometimes, especially at work. I can put on a pretty good face. But at the end of the day, when I change into my jammies and wash off my make-up and my mask, I feel like a little girl at the feet of giants.
I received a compliment the a few weeks ago. Someone who doesn’t know me all that well, but in whose presence I have revealed myself, told me, “I think that you have a great deal of strength and you are much stronger than you realize.” That really filled me. It also made me think that being strong is only a step away from having strength. I feel like I have strength now, but to be strong I have to put that strength to the test.
Since praying for strength, I have taken the first few steps away from the earth, onto a wall that rises to the heavens. I have scaled merely feet of it, and already, every muscle in my body screams for repose. My heart especially convulses and quakes from exertion, and I wonder if it might break in two.
But in the deepest core of my being burns a fire of resolve. I draw on it for rekindling, and it tells me that, sometimes, to get what you want the most, you have to do what you want the least. It reminds me that, at the end of the day, what matters most is that I can lay my head down, and sigh, and feel happy. Tenacity stokes my exhaustion with willpower and determination, and it arouses my stubbornness.
Pain is weakness leaving the body.
Perhaps I am learning that every tear I shed opens room in my heart for the qualities I seek:
love,
strength,
and whatever I am foolish enough to pray for once I make it to the other side of that wall.
Talent is produced in solitude; character in the stream of life.
-Goethe
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3 comments:
T is for Tenacity.
Draw upon your stubbornness and tenacity to fuel those times you feel you lack the strength. Also, another sign of strength is knowing when to ask for help, from people who would love to be there, yeah?
Don't forget that there is no timeline... it's ok to rest sometimes. That whole "it's the journey, not the destination, that counts" idea. Smooches to you.
I wish you enough... You seem like quite a strong woman to me and wise beyond your years...
Blessings to you.
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